I don't really know what was good about me on that day or maybe simply because I have bribe my students to behave well when my lecturer appears.
But I also I found out something about myself..
I have the confidence for my lesson that day...
I like the topic of my lesson...
I know I have something to talk about that particular topic...( I should choose topic that I will enjoy discussing in class,, when you are talking about one topic you like. you tend to talk with enthusiasm and you make less grammar errors or you don't really care what happen - you just love to talk about it, which I think is good for ME)
I am comfortable with that topic... (everything is line out in my mind)
Maybe that are the reasons I did well that day.
However, 1 good review is not enough for me....
I have been sleeping and getting myself busy by wrapping hampers and prizes which I have promised to give my students on my 10th week in La Salle.. (on Saturday and Sunday)
So basically I didn't think about any lessons or what to teach. I am so sick of it that I wish I could run away from this forever.
I met with my friends... I cried alone in my room, I cried when I talk to my friends. I told them everything... hopefully to get out all the sad viruses out of me.
I cry and cry and cry... and now I feel like I am a cry baby.
I don't know even know why I am crying sometimes...
I no longer have the energy to put a smile on my face just to show people I am fine...
I no longer crack jokes and talk like the Juayn I was before teaching practice...
I've become a more quiet person in search of hope,inspiration and guidance...
I have changed - which I hate so much about it.
I drag the days I need to be in school...
I feel so sick of it that I want to puke ... I hate the idea of sitting in the 'STUFFROOM' waiting for time to pass so that I can go back home.
I don't want any of these anymore. I don't want to repeat what is happening now.
I also realize that teaching is not my call.
But I have 3 more weeks in La Salle.. 2 more observation to go...
I don't know what to expect for my third observation...
I envy those who have completed their third observation...
I envy those who are down with 1 observation...
I envy those people that continue to strive on despite having a bad time in school...
Now ... I wish I can have all these people strengths.. A little bit of everything so that I can survive my last 3 weeks.
I am thankful for all the people who helped and supported me. (physically, emotionally, and spiritually)
You know who you are...Words can't really describe how I felt when you guys are around me and comforting me and keep on telling me everything will be fine.
"You are good Juayn.., You are ok Juayn... Don't think too much about what Dr Basil says.. Think of what you can do for your students... Do it because of your students and not to impress your lecturer, Juayn.. forget about your lecturer. You are learning... it's okay to make mistakes, Cry your heart out Juayn.. this is a process, even if you feel like giving up and tired, you can't run from it. This is a process that you must go through.. so let it be, Just go in do whatever you have in mind - GORENG SAJAla.. won't fail. They Fail you also they will have a hard time explaining..." and so many more advices that I remembered but fail to make a mark in my mind and heart
.I am so stubborn sometimes...
2 comments:
you know juayn, my heart aches for you every time i read your post. Whenever anyone complains, I will say that we are all trying to cope ourselves; but the truth is some really have it harder than others. What can I say? Don't envy those who only have 1 more observation to go, why don't you see it as you having TWO more chances to do better and who knows TWO BETTER reviews at the same time? Let it all out if you want, but wipe the tears and go girl, you can do it!
Thanks Chen. I couldnt have said it better. Juayn, have you spoken to your supervisor or any other lecturer you're comfprtable with about this? I thought te 2nd para had the answers but what happened? Why the 3rd and 4th paras? I'd also like to extend my appreciation to those who have comforted Juayn. What made the lesson successful for the 2nd observation? What were positive? What needed improvement? Work on those at least? Why promise them those hampers and presents? There was no post explaining about it and we couldn't really follow. If you're comfortable, do post something about it and you do have two more chances to do your best. Hang in there
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